Today I want to tell you about a great book I think you should read. Yes you. Everyone. It’s called Mother Lode: Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver, by Gretchen Staebler. Here’s why.

After my father-in-law died in 2011, Alan and his brothers (and us wives) grew deeper into elder care with Marilyn, my mother-in-law. It was a long journey that felt like driving in the dark; we could see only the smallest bit of road in front of us. We had no idea how her care needs would change, unsure when the next decision would need to be made, or where it would lead. Every step was challenging for everyone.

As her health inevitably failed and her home grew increasingly cluttered, we tried to convince her to move to assisted living. There were false starts, steps backward, heartache and exhaustion as we tried to keep her safe, and as happy and healthy as possible, while still respecting her wishes and boundaries. Nope. It wasn’t easy.

Fortunately for all of us, when Alan and I moved to Portland, she found the strength to come along, and was both proactive and enthusiastic about being near her beloved grandkids and great-grandkids. I believe her words were, “You can run but you can’t hide,” though that might be an apocryphal story now often told. We found a great assisted living facility where she could live on her own and get more help as needed. Of course, it didn’t end there, happily ever after.

Though Marilyn lived independently, Alan grew increasingly involved in her day to day care as she aged and her health diminished, even with a wonderful nursing staff at her facility. His visits and phone calls grew more and more frequent, and by the last months it all seemed impossibly difficult, complicated, and heartbreaking.

So when I read Mother Lode, I was immediately brought back to those days, full of admiration for the author. Gretchen Staebler moved back to her childhood home to be her 96 year old mother’s caretaker. She promised a year, and it turned into six!

The book tells the bitter and bold truth about how the two women try to maintain their independence even as their lives grow increasingly intertwined. Their mother-daughter relationship is often fraught with struggle, and Staebler doesn’t shy away from the harsh realities.

Written in real time along her journey, she weaves in family stories, delves into her own thoughts about aging, about creating a new life for herself in her 60s, and portrays the exhausting work of healing her relationship with her aging mother. As I read, I was relieved that our burden of care never came to this level, but at the same time a bit wistful that I didn’t have another chance at closeness with my own mother.

Watch this trailer for a charming preview!

It’s quite the journey; a beautiful, heartbreaking, and empowering book. It’s gripping, emotional, smart, and funny. I was moved to think of how many of us already have, or someday will go through this experience of caring for a parent in their last stages of life. As we do, we must also come to terms with our own aging, with who they are as our parent, and who we are as their child. Staebler walks us through it all with honesty and tenderness.

Anyone who is a caregiver, or has been, or will be, will enjoy this book. Or hell, anyone who is going to have to be taken care of some day. Or has a parent. Or is a parent. While the details will vary, it’s all of our story.

I was able to read an advance copy because Gretchen became a friend during the pandemic when we each blogged our overlapping stories about caring for grandchildren during the online-schooling days. I’ve always found her writing to be engaging and stunningly truthful. Little did I know that an online blogger friend could become a real friend. And one that would actually write a great book!

The Mother Lode website is a resource for anyone touched by caregiving.

You have just a few days to Pre-order the book, (before Oct. 18) to win all kinds of goodies. Or ask at your local bookshop. I’ve also requested it at my local library and you can too – just go to their website and find out how. (Or if you read this after publication date, just go out and buy it!)

And here’s a link to my mother-in-laws story and memorial.